Elbowtox

While the world toils and turns and turtles are singing through plastic oceans of crap, I’ve decided my elbows are ugly. This is no small matter. I thought I was one of the most handsomest, fit and fly specimens of the human race. But now I’ve gone and found out my elbows are ugly. Not just ugly; but hideous. I looked in the bathroom mirror (after flossing and singing the national anthem backwards) and noticed these two red bony growths on my arms. Like bright red walunts. “What are these?!” I sang to myself in the mirror. My reflection said, “Those are your elbows…proud of yourself?” I said, “Hell no! These things are hideous.”

They were probably bright red from sitting at my desk six hours a day pondering the nature of the universe and carb-free cupcakes, hunched over with my elbows grinding into the fake wood. Digging in with my thoughts and cupcake dreams I must’ve pushed my elbows into the wood too hard and now they look like little ugly red stumps. Something out of a fairy tale. The shrunken shriveled apples some ugly queen gives to children to poison them, put them under a spell, and force them to listen to Katy Perry songs.

I know I’m probably being too hard on myself (as I’ve been on my elbows) but they just don’t fit with my beautiful countenance. I look so good and handsome when I shave, pick the hair from my ears and get a good haircut. (And trim my nose hairs—this is crucial)

And then there’s these ugly red knobs on my arms.

I want to take some formula, pill or just get a treatment of some sort to make my elbows social media worthy. Does Botox make an “Elbotox?” Or can I get silicone implants in my elbows to round them out and fill in the gaps? Like these people do with their asses? The way they make them look like personal hot air balloons?

I don’t know what to do. I know I should be more concerned about aliens stealing our cars or AI birds taking over our government, but these ugly-ass elbows have got me down.

I’m going to sit in the corner, elbows covered in a 100% polyester hoodie and pray for a solution.

And more rain.