The Bruce Palma Report

I have tried to get up at 4 am every morning so I can crush my goals and feel like a productive member of society (just what society I want to help produce, I’m not sure) but I seem to want to sleep more and more. What I mean is, I keep hitting the snooze button on my phone as the alarm rings and tries to send me out of dreamland. I feel bad about this and a tad unworthy. I realize a person my age should be able to sleep as long as he damn well pleases. But somehow I feel as though I’ll be missing out on some juicy slice of success if I sleep later than I planned. I blame it on the books, coaches, experts and other fools who seem to know exactly how everyone else should live their lives, and have no problem charging buckets of ducats for it.  If I woke up in the morning (at the appointed time, my crush time), I don’t think the first thing on my mind would be how to tell the rest of humanity how they can wake up on time and make a million dollars if they just buy my book, watch my...

  We must talk about avocado toast. I don’t want to talk about avocado toast. There are plenty other things to talk about: war, famine, politics, pimples, popcorn or even a new set of tires. But I feel it’s my obligation as a connoisseur of all things food to warn you of the evils of buying avocado toast out in a restaurant or anywhere west of the equator or in Iceland.  A random sampling of over 20,000 restaurants shows avocado toast to be anywhere from $10 - $30, depending on what you’re wearing that day. If you do the math, a simple piece (or two) of avocado toast consisting of bread, avocado and possibly some form of seasoning (herb sprinkle, Celtic sea salt or free-range pepper, your choice, hold the mayo) should only cost no more than $5 bucks. Let’s calculate this together class. And don’t tell me your dog ate your homework. Avocado: 2-5 bucks. Full avocado. Most restaurant avocado toast only contains half an avocado. I measured it. Cheap, that’s what the restaurants ar...

  I have given up trying to lose whatever baby fat I have hanging under my ribcage in a pile of unwanted lard. I’m talking about my pot belly. I’m not sure if it’s as big as a potbellied stove. But it’s big enough. It looks unseemly. It just hangs there. Or rather it just rolls over my belt buckle in a pile of flesh. I’m sorry for being so graphic. But you know what I mean. I’m supposed to do something about it. Eat more steak, less carbs. Less cupcakes at midnight and more celery sticks. I’m supposed to do squats and burn my fat at some ridiculous heart rate achieved only by running on a treadmill in some overcrowded gym open 24 hours (except when they clean the bathrooms with foul smelling bleach). I’m supposed to do all this and more so I can have tight firm abs and look like some underwear model in some catalog just posing for the cameras and collecting their take-home pay which is probably way too much to offer some buffoon with a six-pack (not beer but belly or lack there...

  It’s summertime again in Los Angeles and the heat is intolerable. Temperatures upwards of 110 degrees (Fahrenheit, Celsius, fairly-traded, carb-free…whatever) are melting people right in the middle of the street and if it gets any hotter I’m boarding a ship to the North Pole just to keep myself from evaporating (especially before I win the Nobel Prize in Bozo Population Control). Whether or not the planet is in a post-apocalyptic melting phase or we’re just too concerned with thermometers and not concerned enough with our carb intake is beyond me. I’m in no mood to argue with people about whether this extreme heat and the beads of perspiration rolling down my wise old countenance are caused by a scientific term or we’re just nearing the end times. If it’s just global warming I’m sure the scientists and the local car washes can figure out a cure. Maybe bring in a few million air conditioners—the industrial-sized ones used to cool down suburban malls melting from all the teen...

Pitching a tent is like goat milk. Raw goat milk. Either you like it or you don’t. There’s no middle ground with raw goat milk or tents. I will gladly sit in some city park and look at a random bush with poisonous berries—but stick me high up in the mountains in a tiny green tent and I’ll call for a helicopter airlift to the nearest roadside diner bathroom. I tried camping twice (yes, I know, they say the third time’s a charm) and both times the damn tent ruined the experience. Something about hooking up all those metal tubes and getting the tension just right in the nylon tent fabric left me wanting to strangle a raccoon.  I just wanted to sit under the starry sky, toast vegan marshmallows and sing Katy Perry songs. But no, I had to get that damn tent pitched. It’s worse than hitting a home run in a baseball game.   I respect people who like to hike, look at random rocks and watch water do nothing but fall. But I can’t understand wanting to sleep in a tiny plastic tubular h...

I would like to visit Machu Picchu for the simple fact that going to the mall today just to bask in air conditioning and teriyaki bowls at the food court seems rather pedestrian. I’m looking for adventure, so anything west of the Pacific Ocean or east of the closest fast food drive-thru will do. Just get me into some exotic locale where I can converse with pelicans or cobras. One gets tired of the freeways and the air-conditioned malls, no matter how comfortable the latter is, and with amazing handbag sales to boot. One needs to venture out into some far away jungle where a wild Friday night includes running from poisonous snakes and arguing with wild monkeys about the merits of paper bag recycling.  You can only watch so much reality tv. You need to get out on a giant river in a canoe and wrestle alligators at least 3 times a week. Otherwise life gets dull.  You can only drink so many diet sodas before you realize you’re just a walking lab rat in tennis shoes. If I were I...

There are very few times where I get up, go outside and thank the sun for rising on this beautiful, rotten mess of a world with all it’s ups and downs, highs and lows, good people and fools—not to mention decaf coffee and carb savvy cake. But today I decided to get up, get the hell off my phone and go greet the sun. The sun said, “Hello there mortal fool. What hath ye been doing these days? I missed ya…” I said, “Hello there big ol’ sun. I’ve been counting my carbs and piling up my acorns for a 96” wide-screen TV.” Sun said, “Don’t be a retail fool. I stream for free, just wear good shades if you look me in the eye.” “Well,” I said, “I think I might just do that. $2999.99 for a big fat digital box with Real Housewife reruns will suck up all my acorns and I’d rather use the loot for a trip to Italy.” The sun slid behind a tree. I could only see a few shafts of yellow peeking through. “Now don’t you hide on me, you big ol’ trickster,” I said. “I haven’t even had my first cup ...